Bah, humbug. It's Valentine's Day.

To be frank, I really hate Valentine's day. Wherever you go, they'll be flashes of shocking pink and blinding red. Not to mention that suddenly all the couples in the world are very open in displaying intimate relationships - sometimes more than enough. I can't go out without feeling pathetic and that I'm the only solitary person on the street compared to the masses of people all holding hands and giving each other sloppy kisses. I might as well make use of the valentine's day sales, buy myself a chocolate box pretend to buy it for my imaginary boyfriend and gorge on the sweets (only to make myself feel worse for becoming lonely and fat.)

As you can see -or read, really- I'm not the best love guru in the world but I've been asked by a few of my friends on how to woo their crush. (quite funny how they are so desperate they'd ask for advice from the most unresourceful person ever...) Luckily, I know that other animals have more experience in this stuff as they perform courtships every year. So, supplied by the animal kingdom, here are three tips on how to be romantic:

1. give your loved one a nicely wrapped dead fly (...if you are a spider)

Unlike how most think of spiders (hairy, creepy-crawly, too-many-eyes (eyed?) bastard), these lil' fellas can be quite the romantic. Before meeting their girlfriends, the males go out and get a prey (freshly caught and wriggling alive) and delicately wrap it in layers of silk as a presentable gift for the ladies.  Now, I must admit giving your girl or boy a box of chocolates is more than over-played but instead of the usual flowers and sweets, why not give something more personal or even something handmade? Maybe a you could bake your girlfriend a brownie? (sorry, that's just what I thought the perfect boyfriend might do. Do correct me if I'm wrong.)

2. take time and patience to impress her

From an outsider's view, I really don't get how the girl can be impressed by having the guy shoving roses and chocolates to her face - they're more likely to forget all the 'effort' by the next day. Instead, you could make this Valentines' day by giving her something that clearly shows how much time you would spend in order to make her happy. Though you don't have to go and learn some love-dance for most of your life - like the albatross seagulls do, try doing something like learning to sing or play some romantic song you know she'll like. 

3. tidy yo' crib and pimp it up!

If you're planning to spend time with your date at your place, then you definitely need to tidy up or even add some decorations to set the mood. I'm not telling you to suddenly turn your apartment or house into a restaurant in naples or a french cafe, but simple touches like less stuff strewn on the floor and throwing that half-eaten cup noodle away would be very helpful. Furthermore if you just met the date, you could maybe 'reveal' things to show what you're interested in, giving her/him the impression you want to make - like how the bowerbird presents piles of flower petals, shiny beetle shells and blue litter to tell its mate its preferences. Use the 'bower' to guide your date to what you want them to think of you.