hem.

While I was going through a episode of random hyper-ness after a binge of dark chocolate and teas (CAFFEINE.) I dawned on something like sudden clarity clarence: I may be getting ever so slightly gerontophiliac...
... as in the opposite of pedophilia .________.

i-is-is this me??? (^ Jiji from Kuragehime.)

Ever since I came to the UK - no, a few months before that - I have been exposed to more British culture than ever. And with that I've been more... um, interested in people like Stephen Fry and Jeremy Brett... and Martin Freeman, Ian McKellen, Hugh Laurie, Ed Hardwicke and possibly even Gary Oldman. Of course a few are only at the brink of the mid-forties or fifties but seriously, think of the age gap we're talking here.

Apart from those listed, I'm perfectly fine and drooling over the faces that many others would die to marry - Hiddles for an example. I guess I could just be going a bit too far on the statement and maybe I just don't know how to differ... that with real respect to their work. At least I hope so...   

Bah, humbug. It's Valentine's Day.

To be frank, I really hate Valentine's day. Wherever you go, they'll be flashes of shocking pink and blinding red. Not to mention that suddenly all the couples in the world are very open in displaying intimate relationships - sometimes more than enough. I can't go out without feeling pathetic and that I'm the only solitary person on the street compared to the masses of people all holding hands and giving each other sloppy kisses. I might as well make use of the valentine's day sales, buy myself a chocolate box pretend to buy it for my imaginary boyfriend and gorge on the sweets (only to make myself feel worse for becoming lonely and fat.)

As you can see -or read, really- I'm not the best love guru in the world but I've been asked by a few of my friends on how to woo their crush. (quite funny how they are so desperate they'd ask for advice from the most unresourceful person ever...) Luckily, I know that other animals have more experience in this stuff as they perform courtships every year. So, supplied by the animal kingdom, here are three tips on how to be romantic:

1. give your loved one a nicely wrapped dead fly (...if you are a spider)

Unlike how most think of spiders (hairy, creepy-crawly, too-many-eyes (eyed?) bastard), these lil' fellas can be quite the romantic. Before meeting their girlfriends, the males go out and get a prey (freshly caught and wriggling alive) and delicately wrap it in layers of silk as a presentable gift for the ladies.  Now, I must admit giving your girl or boy a box of chocolates is more than over-played but instead of the usual flowers and sweets, why not give something more personal or even something handmade? Maybe a you could bake your girlfriend a brownie? (sorry, that's just what I thought the perfect boyfriend might do. Do correct me if I'm wrong.)

2. take time and patience to impress her

From an outsider's view, I really don't get how the girl can be impressed by having the guy shoving roses and chocolates to her face - they're more likely to forget all the 'effort' by the next day. Instead, you could make this Valentines' day by giving her something that clearly shows how much time you would spend in order to make her happy. Though you don't have to go and learn some love-dance for most of your life - like the albatross seagulls do, try doing something like learning to sing or play some romantic song you know she'll like. 

3. tidy yo' crib and pimp it up!

If you're planning to spend time with your date at your place, then you definitely need to tidy up or even add some decorations to set the mood. I'm not telling you to suddenly turn your apartment or house into a restaurant in naples or a french cafe, but simple touches like less stuff strewn on the floor and throwing that half-eaten cup noodle away would be very helpful. Furthermore if you just met the date, you could maybe 'reveal' things to show what you're interested in, giving her/him the impression you want to make - like how the bowerbird presents piles of flower petals, shiny beetle shells and blue litter to tell its mate its preferences. Use the 'bower' to guide your date to what you want them to think of you.

Lent: May the National Diet Begin.

It's Lent today and that means everyone in school would be restricting themselves from the usual three Cs - Cheese, Chocolate and Coke. While everyone else would happily continue their days with half-empty plates of leaves, I'll look at my plate (possibly bread and some heavy cream soup, a side of greasy vegs, 3cm^3 of cheese and a bowl of pudding all lathered in custard.) and wonder if i should have eaten a little less, spend the rest of the week struggling to resist buying another candy bar and give up the whole 'lent' thing by the fifteenth day. I just don't get how people can do it. Nearly 80% of my classmates are exceptionally slim, can run 2-3 laps without being breathless - I lose my breath by just 'trekking' up the stairs to my room. - and easily survive a month or more without eating any comfort foods. Yet here I am, a muffin-topper who can't even jog for 3 minutes. I know all this sounds way too exaggerated but seriously? how the fudge do people even do it??

Though I'm sure I wouldn't be able to go through the whole 40 days but I've decided to set some Dos and Don'ts for lent:

1. stop snacking ('starch' nor 'sweets'.) 

Being a sweet tooth, it's irrational to think I could ever live without chocolate so I'll let that slide but I know I could survive from other candies for a month or so. Plus, I could switch my usual dose of milk chocolate to dark chocolate - giving me an extra dose of anti-wrinkle cream! (chemical wise, not literally.) I already started eating fruit as my main snack source so I could continue that to replace the lose of sucrose.

2. stop swearing

'Wait, whuuuuut? Since when do you swear??' Oh I swear. A lot. even around my parents, 'shit' and 'fuck' spills out my mouth every minute or so. Even worse, my swearing has influence my friend - who is from Shang Hai, so her engrish is so-so - to use 'fuck' in a daily basis. She only uses 'fucking' though, which made me wonder if I should stop or try to teach her to find more creative ways to express her anger to geography and biology. I concluded that if I stop myself, it'll probably stop her from saying 'fuck' as well. hopefully. 

...And there you have it. I've told you what I'm sacrificing during Lent. Normally, I would ask back what you are planning to give up but since this blog is a virtual version of talking to a brick wall, I'll just end it here. Bye!